Ruxanda Guger’s diary

Handed over personally by Mrs Ruxandra Guger to her lawyer on 19.11.2012

What Sophie told me (the mother)

In January 2009 in our Bucharest house, Sophie said very often and full of hate “”bad daddy, bad daddy”, when she came to visit me from Vienna to Bucharest.

When I asked “why is daddy bad, what do you mean, Sophie?” she kept saying “bad daddy, bad daddy”. Child’s age: two and a half.

I thought he was being too strict with her.

When he used physical force to make her brush her teeth, on Christmas, Dec 24, 2008, in the Vienna residence, we had a very strong argument about it. However, he said the child was being too spoiled by me and the grandma and that he was the only one who could discipline her. I talked about this with his parents too and we told him that it must be hard for Sophie with her mother being away from her due to the job, and that he should be more patient and indulgent with her.

18 march 2009 – Bucharest

The first shock

At night (it was dark, quiet, 11pm) Sophie tried to kiss me on the mouth, using her tongue in an erotical way. “Tongue technique” similar to the one C. uses. When I asked what that was and where did she learn it, she answered “from daddy”. It was in the new house in Bucharest, we were in the bedroom, home alone, just me and Sophie.

After Sophie fell asleep, I called C. in Vienna. His brother was visiting at that time and C. told me he had never done such a thing. After which he was deeply hurt and he called me paranoid and crazy.

The following week I called the Children’s Center Möwe (they had advertising banners in Linz) and I asked for advice. They told me a 2y9mo old child would not say such things out of the blue and that I should not leave my child unattended with the father anymore.

I kept talking to C. about these things every time I heard such reports. Every time, he replied that it was not true, that Sophie was lying or was being manipulated by her grandma to say such things, as the grandma was afraid of losing her influence over Sophie.

What Sophie’s grandmother (my mother) told me:

In April 2009 I came home from work (Bucharest apartment) and my mother told me Sophie had said that C. had licked her in the diaper area, front and back. And that he had pulled down her pajama pants. I asked Sophie “what did daddy do?” and she mimicked someone licking with the tongue; when I asked “where”, she placed her hand in the diaper area, front and back. I took her to her room and I tried to question her more using a doll, but I wasn’t able to continue. I was too shocked and I did not know how to ask the questions. This was happening before C. left to the airport for Vienna. I told C. on the phone again what had happened. The next day, I set up an appointment with a pediatric psychologist in Vienna, where we flew for the Easter holidays (the orthodox Easter, I believe).

What Sophie told me (the mother)

During one of C.’s visits in Bucharest, one evening as I was taking a bath with Sophie, she grabbed her labias with her fingers and offered them to me, asking “do you want?”. Extremely shocked, I told her on a sharp tone “sit down” (in the bathtub). A while later, I dared to ask her “what did you mean, Sophie, what should I have done, Sophie?”. She mimicked licking. I asked “who’s doing this, Sophie?” and she answered “daddy”.

The next days, in the office, I asked Sophie “Do you want me to ask daddy to move out for a while, to stop living with us?”

She answered “Yes, you know I want this, but he’s your daddy”. She had a sad look in her eyes and avoided eye contact. I told C. all this and he laughed, telling me Sophie was so manipulative.

We also exchanged some tough emails, while C. was working in Vienna, emails in which he was complaining that we were accusing him of pedophilia and said that he would leave me, as he felt so deeply hurt. At that time I was really desperate, I cried and I apologized, I told him he was exaggerating and he misunderstood what I was saying, but that he should also understand my concerns.

Then C. researched on the internet and showed me articles on how children would go through oral and anal developmental phases, that they discover their bodies, that such behaviour can occur and it was perfectly natural.

In April 2009, I went to Vienna and met the lady psychologist Dr. Stefan (pediatric psychologist), who said that unfortunately she had to confirm my fears and that I should immediately go to the Children’s Centre in Vienna. She gave me the contact details (Children Protective Center). She also said I should confront my husband with the child’s accusations and ask him what is wrong and why our daughter keeps speaking about such things and what could be the cause.

In the evening following our meeting at the pediatric psychologist, Sophie and I confronted C. together and we told him what the psychologist lady had told us and that he should never do anything like this again. C. asked Sophie very friendly and with a calm voice: “Did I lick you, Sophie?” and she answered “YES”. Then I asked “Should he stop doing this?” and she looked at him and said “yes, I don’t like it.”

When I confronted him and told him to reduce and change his much too “physical” games (some time ago he used to play almost exclusively with her in the bedroom, in the bed), he said he would not give this up just because he was dealing with paranoid people.

The same week in Vienna, when I pulled over for a few minutes in Schwedenplatz near the bus station to pick up C., I turned to the child’s seat and asked “Sophie, are you happy to see daddy?”

She answered “No, I am afraid”.

“Why, Sophie?” “Daddy held me like this” then she showed her upper thighs. (age: 2 years 10 months)

In Bucharest, C. said it was surely all a lie or an exaggeration and that it was nothing. When I told him that maybe another person was abusing Sophie (an idea that someone from the anonymous line at Möwe had given me), he said it was surely nothing, that the girl’s behaviour was not strange and that the grandmother and I misunderstood and made too many assumptions.

He also said that if I did not trust him, we’d better get a divorce, in which case he will have Sophie all by himself for 3 days a week. When I asked, a few months after this, how could he say such things, he said that he just wanted to bring me back “with my feet on the ground”.

In June 2009, during our family holiday with his parents and my mother, C. tried to blackmail me, saying that he would tell his parents everything, unless I told my mother she was not allowed to visit us anymore for 6 months, because she was a bad influence for me and Sophie. I answered “I have been wanting to tell them for a long time, but you wouldn’t let me”.

Then he told his parents that we (my mother and I) believe he was a pedophile and that we both did our best not to leave the child with him unattended anymore, an upsetting situation for him as he could not play in a free and relaxed manner with the child anymore, like any other family member did, and all this because we were obssesively paranoid. While at the pizza restaurant, I did not want Sophie to go with him to the men’s restroom so I went after them. He took this as a great offense.

I also reported all these episodes mentioned above to my in-laws, and the maternal grandmother also told her own version of events, adding that “she could swear he had done something to the child, because she saw with her own eyes how Sophie clinged to her in fear”. By this, she upset my in-laws terribly and became a persona non grata to them.

We decided, on C.’s request, that my mother should stop visiting us for a period of 6 months (from Vienna to Bucharest), to see if all this happened due to her influence and if the situation would disappear when she was no longer around. My mother said of course she would oblige, if we believed this would be best for the child’s interest, and that all she wanted is for Sophie to be ok. Even if she felt offended, she stepped back.

After our family feud in June, I was careful not to let Sophie alone with C.  – it was either me or the baby sitter permanently inside the house. There were less incidents, but C. was still going with Sophie to the men’s restroom in restaurants or shopping malls during the summer, even if I wasn’t comfortable with this. But considering that Sophie wanted it too and did not seem to mind, I did not do anything to stop this.

In August, when I asked “Sophie, are you a good girl”, the little girl answered “yes, I’m a good girl and daddy’s good too and he stopped touching my botty”.

In the spring, C. offered to pass a lie detector test. After all that had happened, I told him that I accepted this offer. But when I actually started looking for tests on the internet and make appointments, C. wanted to back down, claiming it was too expensive, it wouldn’t prove anything and we should blindly trust our partners. This provoked me to insist on taking the test. In October 2009 we went to the test, but the questions were not supposed to contain the word “Sophie” (C. did not want to say that the test was about our child), so we told the experts some other story, about me believing my husband was cheating on me with another woman and that would be the reason for taking the test. The questions were thus constructed accordingly, however, considering they contained a question like “have you ever licked a girl after our marriage” [in English in the original] and the test result was favorable to C., I declared myself satisfied, being convinced that the whole nightmare had been only a misunderstanding.

A few weeks later (Nov. 2009), I was on the treadmill and it was getting late, so I sent Sophie and C. to bed. I could finally afford not to be present, considering that C. had passed the lie detector test and could be trusted to be left alone in the same room with the child. After I finished my treadmill training routine, I watched a movie, enjoying the evening. When I went to bed, I noticed C. was lying in bed in another posture than usual and I felt an inexplicable urge to smell his right hand. I laid myself on his chest to try and smell his hand, but he suddenly hugged me and his hand was gone. I tried again; I took his hand in mine and tenderly placed my face on the palm of his hand, but he brutally pulled his hand away and hugged me in a controlled way. But C.’s fingers smelled strange (the same as Sophie’s genitals) . As I hadn’t sniffed long enough and I could not believe it, I said something smelled like gasoline and that I thought it might be his hands. He allowed me then to smell his hand. It was the third time I was sniffing it, like a dog, and I was paralyzed realizing it was the same smell. I did not know how to react and I kept telling him it smelled like gasoline and he should wash. Usually when asked to do something that implies getting out of bed, he would just turn the other way  and wouldn’t go. This time he went right away and washed his hands. I kept thinking this was not possible, I must have been wrong. But all doubts came back, this time even stronger.

I was unable to talk about it. The next day I asked him what he thought about my smelling skills, but he did not answer.

The following days, when I asked Sophie “is daddy being good?” she answered  “I’m not telling”

“Why won’t you tell, Sophie?”, “I’m not telling anything”. I did not give up and I asked “are you afraid?” She repeated “I’m not saying”. Some other time I heard C. telling Sophie on a very friendly tone “but we won’t tell this to anyone, will we?” but I did not catch what it was about and I did not want to get on their nerves. But I remembered this when I heard “I’m not telling”. I also remembered how C. once in spring said that “abusing a child is easy, making her keep the silence about it is difficult”.

Maybe there is no connexion, the 3 phrases were said at completely different moments and in different contexts.

On 5 Dec. 2009, after my birthday party (I had turned 33), I woke up and saw Sophie sitting in C.’s lap, playing games on the computer. C. was only in his underwear (one with a “fly”), Sophie very close to his body, not in the middle between the knee and his body. I told him I didn’t like that and I did not find it normal that I always had to be revved, because he wouldn’t respect certain boundaries when it came to the child’s intimate areas.

Afterwards, I felt he was more and more often sitting with Sophie on his lap but C.’s hands too close to the girl’s private areas. I told him I didn’t want the babysitter to leave before I got home, but even so he sent her home earlier many times. I talked to the babysitter and told her she was not allowed to leave before I got back. Chris later said he had never actually sent her home, he had only allowed her to leave earlier (for example 2 hours earlier).

Ever since the hand episodes began, Sophie does not allow anyone to wash her private parts anymore, when taking a bath or a shower. She never had a problem with that and she always accepted to be washed before.

On 22 or 23 Dec. 2009 I tried to set up an appointment at the Children’s [Protective] Center in Vienna, but unfortunately it was too short notice. I promised myself that as soon as I knew when we would be back in Vienna, I would set up an appointment. In January 2010 I called and made one for February.

On 29 Jan. 2010 C. asked Sophie “where did daddy lick you?”

She answered / showed: “ On the face, ears, chest”

When C. asked “where else?”, she changed the subject and C. concluded “that’s it”. I said she had intentionally changed the subject and it did not mean anything. C. started asking questions again, this time targeted: “did I lick you here too?” pointing to her genital area. She answered “yes”. He repeated the question and the answer was still yes. We opened the subject because I had mentioned my future visit to the Children’s [Protection] Center and I was telling him he was to blame for Sophie’s habit of licking people, thinking they enjoyed it. He was the one that taught her to do this and now she continued doing it.

The ear-licking that Sophie was talking about was a new shock to me. I asked C. how was this possible. He answered “it was definitely not erotic, it was just tickling and just around the ear, not inside”.

Ear-teasing with the tongue is one of our marriage’s erotic gameplays, that he taught me at the beginning of our relationship.

Chest licking was new even to me. Sophie once told her grandma that “daddy licked her tits” but I did not pay attention. She does not have any breasts yet.

But after this conversation between the 3 of us, I had an insight. If he had licked her all over the face and only accidentally on the mouth, how come she did not mimic this, but an intentionally erotic tongue kiss instead?

I urgently need specialized help. I AM OVERWHELMED BY THE SITUATION.

C. is charming, handsome, polite, smart and persuasive. But he says exactly the opposite of what the child says, and the child is also very convincing. As far as I am concerned, I of course want to believe anything except this nightmare. We’ve been married for over 10 years and we love each other, at least that’s what I thought.

However, my brain starts to refuse to accept additional “misunderstandings”, despite C.’s justifications.

Other episodes that seem suspicious to me:

– his raised finger, while Sophie sits on his hand. After that he quickly let his finger down.
– 31 January 2010, Sophie told me she wouldn’t come back to the bedroom (mistake, I meant office) as she was afraid daddy would come back. Is she afraid to be with him in the dark?
– the riding game (in Vienna) → C. was lying in bed only in his underwear and the child was naked, kind of “jumping” on top of him (the fall of 2008).
– Sophie tried to lick C.’s stomach and tried to lick my bottom, under the blanket.
– sitting in front of the fridge, very unnatural position, Sophie sitting on his lap, with the hand very close to the genital area.
– C. sitting at the end of the chute we have in the bedroom, Sophie went down the slide and C. caught her so that she landed with the bottom on his face. He was completely dressed, she had a blouse and pantyhose.
– why does C. insist to take the child to the men’s restroom, after so many discussions we had about this? Summer 2009
– C. frequently tickled Sophie under the blanket, even with his tongue
– Sophie woke up at night, saw that C. had joined us in bed and she was between us. She said “no, no, no” and jumped immediately over me, to my side. (Ruxandra, Bucharest, January 2010)
–  the grandmother said that she was going to change her diapers while Sophie was in her bed, but she stood up and yelled “no, daddy no” (Vienna November 2008)
– In December 2009 C. was playing with Sophie on the bedroom’s floor and he spread her legs so that her panties dropped. I asked “what’s going on here” and he answered ”it means nothing, I didn’t mean it, it just happened and the little one likes it anyway” / Sophie’s mother comment: there was nothing there to like, in my opinion. Sophie laid there with her back on the hardwood floor and her legs spread up in the air.
– according to the grandmother, C. took Sophie once, when they were in Vienna, at 11 am before lunch to the bedroom for 5 hours (9 February, I think), although she had slept until 9. Sophie did not want to go and she crouched on the floor.Grandma also says one of the 4 fever suppositories is gone. She specifically counted them, because she could not understand how a child that had just woken up could sleep for 5 more hours.
– according to the grandmother, Sophie once rubbed her genital area with her bottle. When the grandmother asked her what she was doing and who taught her that, she said “daddy”.

In my family, playing with children never assumed such an intense physical contact. My parents never kissed me on the mouth, only on the cheek or forehead. C. said we were being prude and that children loved body contact play.

21 Feb. 2010
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Some other time, C. said that maybe I had been raped as a child and that was why I was so extremely sensitive and couldn’t understand such games between father and child. Praise the lord, I was never abused.

It is true that I consider such games abnormal and can’t understand them.  Especially in the context of what Sophie has been telling me. And I certainly can’t believe anymore that everyone except C. is either lying or paranoid or is misunderstanding everything.
_____________________________________________________________________

After the appointment at the Children Protective Center in Vienna (Feb 2010), I had a talk with grandma and asked why, when and where exactly had she thought of sexual abuse. And if Sophie had spoken of other events and when.

Grandma was at our place in Bucharest in August 2009 (< 1 week), Nov. (approx. 1 week) and Dec. 3 weeks (one of the 3 weeks was spent in Austria).

In August and November 2009 Sophie did not tell her anything and grandma was very happy that everything was over.

In December  (19 or 20 Dec. 2009), while grandma was reading her a story, Sophie asked:
“ Can you cast spells, grandma?”
“Yes”
Can you make this crocodile eat daddy?”
“Yes, I can”
“Then please make 5 crocodiles to eat daddy”

Considering that in 2009 grandma had been scolded for asking leading questions, she did not dare to ask anything else.

The next day, also when reading stories (the same book), grandma asked “why did you wish yesterday for the crocodile to eat daddy?”
“Because he traps me and won’t let go of me”.
“How does he trap you?”
Then Sophie immediately showed 2 positions on the orange couch.
1. Daddy was holding her doggy style, with her head down and she indicated to her bottom with her hand, saying “daddy is making shuffle-shuffle with a small balloon”
2. Then he showed a second position, in which daddy holds her on her back, with her legs up at her head. And he tied her ankles with a sock.

Grandma asked “Sophie, do you need help?”
No, I have to make it on my own.

Sophie’s mother comment:

When we (C and I) had the internet war the year before, “here’s another article defending my theory”, “here’s one stating the opposite”, I read an interesting story about a father who had told his child “if you tell anyone about this, your mother will get ill”.

C. laughed.

I remembered this when Sophie said “No, I have to make it on my own”.

When I asked grandma why hadn’t she told me this right away, in Dec 2009, she told me she didn’t want to spoil the harmony prior to the trip to Austria for Christmas and she didn’t want to be considered, again, an unwanted visitor. She was afraid I would hate her, like C.’s parents do.

Grandma’s story, February 2010

The dialogue had taken place in December 2009.

I want to tie daddy to this door, like the pirates (Peter Pan stories) and then to defeat him, to defeat him. And she stomped her feet.

Grandma asked:

“Why are you so angry with daddy?”

Sophie answered “because of this lamp” and pointed at the lamp above.

Grandma’s story, February 2010

The dialogue had taken place in Feb. 2010 before the skiing vacation.

Sophie, you’re the most beautiful ballerina (she was dancing in the living room).
Yes, the most beautiful and the strongest, so that I can defeat daddy.
Can I help?
No, I will make it on my own.

Sophie’s mother’s comment, 21 Feb. 2010

After visiting the Vienna Children Center, I learned that it was better to ask only open questions, such as “how, when, where, at what do you want to defeat daddy?”

Maybe the answer would be “at football”. That’s what I told grandma too.

We hope it will not be necessary anymore. I told C. that if he’s pushing it and spends 5 more minutes alone with Sophie, I’ll file for divorce and take him to court with criminal charges. My trust in him is almost gone.

Declarations by Sophie’s mother

Dialogue took place at the end of Jan. 2010

After C. asked Sophie a day before where he used to lick her, I asked Sophie:

Sophie, is daddy a good boy?
I’m not telling.
Sophie, did daddy do something to you?
You know it! (and she looked at me sternly)
Do you want daddy to move out? (I know, leading question)
Yes
Why?

Sophie, please, talk to me. Why aren’t you talking to me anymore? Have I let you down?
She turned to me and with a look of reproach she answered with a loud “yes”.
I won’t tell daddy what you’re telling me now, Sophie…
No, don’t, ’cause otherwise he’ll come after me.

During our ski vacation, we argued and fought a lot. C. often said I am paranoid and after 2 more visits at the Children Center, the psychologist would surely send me off to get psychiatric treatment.

He offered to take another lie detector test. When I told him “no, thanks; now it would be great to follow the Children Center doctor’s advice”, C. replied that he believed I was now afraid to find evidence that he was innocent and I would rather be unhappy and sink deeper in this nightmare.

I don’t know how, but when it comes to this subject, me and C. seem to speak different languages. I wonder if we’ll ever reach a consensus.

The paediatrician’s advice was for C. to be careful for a while and try to hold the child in such a manner which would not worry me (e.g not to touch her inner thighs, but only her outer legs). C. said this was not true, that he had made the doctor change his mind.

C. also said his parents will back him up no matter what, and that they would trust him blindly/completely. His parents had said that the licking came from grandpa, C.’s father, that they did this a lot as well while he was a child. I provocatively asked C. if his mother had to deal as well with her child telling her how his father was licking his genital area. C. also said that if I told his parents everything they would hate me and would still back him up.

Grandma’s answers to my questions of where and how the first signs could have emerged
Feb. 2010

Grandma said that in the spring of 2007 in Linz (Sophie was around 9 months), she saw C. playing “riding horse” with her, as she came to us in the morning. She said it bothered her to see the child bouncing on C.’s genital area, in front of the bedroom mirror. She found it peculiar and unnatural, but she thought it could not be true, she was going too far, so she suppressed the image in her mind and said nothing.

Another time in Linz, when she came to us to babysit and I was already at work, Sophie screamed very loudly and C. said “Sophie is tired, put her to bed”. Grandma was surprised to hear that the child was already tired in the morning, but did not take her thoughts further. C. went to sleep with the girl.

Memories of Sophie’s mother
When we were living in Linz as well as in Vienna, C. would often sleep with the child and not with me, so that I could get a better sleep at night. I was very grateful to him for this and always appreciated what a good father he was. If the child would start crying in her room he would always say “I’ll go”, and I could not believe how lucky I was. Once, in Vienna, I was actually jealous of him because he would go to her so often and I said “no, it’s my turn to sleep with her”. In Vienna Sophie slept very badly, screamed loudly when she woke up at night time and she was given diluted milk. C. says grandma would gorge her on milk when she slept at her place, but he also gave her 2-3 bottles during the night.

I was always wondering why she would have such an agitated sleep, but I never thought of reasons such as these described on these pages.

C. often said (quote) she was spoiled and needed to be “disciplined”. But that was actually not matching my suggestion to let her cry it out during the night, so that she can get used to sleeping alone.
It was only in Bucharest, when I supervised her constantly almost a year and she always slept with us, that she improved her sleep. Now she hardly ever wakes up at night. And if she naps in the afternoon and it’s already dark when she wakes up, she just goes looking for us in the apartment instead of screaming.

22 Feb. 2010

Today I asked the babysitter (surrogate grandma) what she generally thought about the relationship between Sophie and C., and if C. plays nicely with the little one.

She replied that Sophie would usually run away from C.

Sophie would go to C., but would avoid a too close physical contact and was “offish” towards him. Sometimes Sophie would go to the babysitter’s home and the babysitter mentioned she would play very relaxed with her husband and her daughters, completely different than with C.

I also asked if Sophie had ever said anything relevant to this extent.

No.

After the babysitter left, I asked my mother how was her day with Sophie, how did they manage and she told me that unfortunately she had another bad piece of news from Sophie.
After lunch, Sophie had licked grandma on the arm again.

“Sophie, you know I don’t like this. Who does this? Is anybody licking you?”
“No, nobody is licking me.  Daddy used to lick me when I was little, and I did not want to.”
“Where?”
“Everywhere. And once, I even peed on his face”
“And what did daddy say?”
“Nothing”.

Clarification about leading questions
I know two of these questions from grandma.
In April 2009 when I came home, grandma told me that Sophie, before saying goodbye to C. in the bedroom, held on her pink pajama pants with both hands. Grandma asked her “why are you holding on to the pants like that? Did daddy drop your pants?” (leading question)
Sophie answered “Yes, and he licked me here and here”. Saying this, she pointed with her hand to the front and the back.

The second leading question was “did daddy upset you?” Grandma asked her when she was with Sophie in Vienna.
Yes
Where did he upset you?
At the diaper (spoken like a child “la cutec” instead of “la scutec”)

Grandma also told about the times in Vienna when Sophie ran to her from playing computer games in the bedroom with C. (back then we had the computer in the bedroom), shaking with fear.

Sophie’s mother’s statements

In April or May 2009, after all the arguing about the licking, Sophie wanted to lick C. C. told her “Sophie, you know you shouldn’t do this”.
I told him “She does it because you showed her that you enjoy this”
Then he asked: “Sophie, do I enjoy this?”
She answered “Yes”
Then C. slapped her hard, which shocked her and made her cry.

I was very angry and I told him it was absolutely not fair to first teach the child to “play” by licking him and then punish her for that.

He replied “it’s the only way to break this habit, because otherwise he would get in trouble”

Other memories when I felt confused

– C. is reading a story in bed. Sophie is lying down next to him. I leave the bedroom, I come back in a few minutes. Sophie has her legs spread (in an O shape), the book is on his belly, he stopped reading and his hand is on the inside of her upper thighs. When I enter, he quickly removes his hand and resumes reading. (Dec. 2009)

– when I was in the Gradina Icoanei park, with C. and Sophie, we sat on a bench and Sophie went to the playground. Chris was tired and he put his head on my lap, with his nose towards my belly. Sophie, on her way to the playground, turned to us laughing, saw us and had a strong reaction. She started screaming and came back to us immediately. I told her not to worry, daddy was tired and just resting a bit. (2009 spring or summer)

General comment:
I still can’t understand why my life has become a diary full of sad and disgusting events.

It was a big mistake not to follow the advice of the paediatric psychologist in April 2009 (to immediately go with my husband to the Children Protective Center) and that it took me 10 months to get to the Center. But C. managed to make me change my mind, he was very persuasive and convincing. He seems so honest that I really believed it was all only a misunderstanding. Like he said after the April fight, “I’ll take care of this matter, even if I have to come to Bucharest and stay with you”.

Lots of people ask me at work if I am sad. I normally laugh a lot and I almost never cry, either at work or in private.  Now everything has changed. I had to focus today during a meeting, not to burst into tears. And I always look worried and preoccupied.

24 Feb. 2010

C. came yesterday from Vienna to Bucharest. He went again to the psychologist at the Children Center and he became quite open to compromise. The psychologist seems to have done wonders.

But it did not last, the next day he said that if I wouldn’t stop with my fear of leaving him alone with Sophie, he would take her to sleep with him at the hotel.

March 2010

Considering that on 28 February I was at a ball in Bucharest, I sent Sophie to the babysitter’s house, so that she would not spend the night alone with C. The next day, Sophie told me several times:

“Mommy, I had a strange dream”
“What dream, my love?”
“Bad people and butty smell”
“What kind of butty smell, Sophie?”
“Men’s. I don’t want anymore men’s butt smell”
“Sophie, who was in your dream? Did you see anyone?”
“No, I did not see any face”
“Sophie, do you often have such dreams?”
“Yes”
“Even when you sleep in mommy’s bed?”
“Yes”

I told Chris the story and he told me Sophie had told him a while ago about a dream in which some bad people wanted to tie the children from the kindergarten to a wall and Sophie wanted to save them all.

Chris continues to declare that everything is perfect and there were never any problems. He does not know how everything started. But as long as neither I nor grandma saw any “penetration” or that “he would lick Sophie in the genital area”, everything we say is just our dellusions. He used to call it “grandma’s delusions”. However, now that I am asking myself more and more questions, if I wasn’t too blind, and now that my distrust intensifies, he is speaking of “our delusions”.

5 March 2010 – what Sophie told grandma

Grandma came to Bucharest from Vienna on 4 March, because Chris was attending a workshop in Switzerland and I needed the babysitter for the weekend too (a friend’s birthday)

On 5 March Sophie and grandma were at McDonalds. At a table next to them was a baby girl, around 2 years old.
Sophie : The little girl is a baby.
Grandma: The little girl is no longer a baby, she’s a toddler.
Sophie: I was a toddler too and daddy licked me everywhere
Grandma panicked and shushed her.
Sophie asked: What, you don’t want to hear me?
Grandma: Yes I do, Sophie.
Sophie: He licked me everywhere and I peed on his face.

Question for the Children Protective Center: HOW SHOULD WE DEAL WITH SUCH QUESTIONS IN PUBLIC? If we stop the child from talking, we might scare her, if we don’t stop her, it can become awfully embarrassing.

I’ll tell C. about Sophie’s stories (peeing on his face, daddy is trapping me in doggy style, the legs tied with a socks) only when we get to the psychologist in Vienna. First I would like to ask him [the psychologist] if in such cases you really have to share everything with the father, and if the child does not feel betrayed in this case. Sophie tells a lot, shows a lot and yet C. does what he does and always gets his time alone with her and he could intimidate her.

Other issues that I noticed and which might be relevant:

– in the summer of 2009 Sophie said she wanted to go to the babysitter’s house and I asked C. to pick her up on his way home, around 8 pm. Chris went to pick her up at around 4 pm. However, Sophie had not gone to the babysitter’s. Then Chris returned to work. I was surprised he had left work so early to pick up Sophie, since the babysitter was payed to stay with her until 8 pm. He wanted to spend time alone with her, but since he didn’t succeed, he returned to the office.

26.09.2010 Sophie is in the bathtub, touching herself down there. I ask her “Sophie, what are you doing, is it itching?”

She answers “No, it’s not itching, I’m just doing it”
Where did you learn this, Sophie?
I learned all by myself.
But it’s not ok to touch yourself too often, you might get a rash.
I don’t care, I don’t mind.
Sophie, why are you doing this?
Don’t ask me, ask daddy, he forced me to.
Later, at dinner
Sophie, I want you to be ok and I don’t want anyone to force you into doing something.
Mommy, it’s not always as we want it to be, but you can talk to the falling star. I told the star I want to be Ariel.

I thought I should write this down immediately in this document. On 11 Sep. 2010 I went out with Alina and Christina and Chris was at home, with Sophie. The next day, in the morning, I was tired and I wanted to sleep in, but Sophie came into my bed and whispered in my ear “mommy, you may touch me wherever you want”. I was unable to react and I went back to sleep. Two days later I told Chris about this. It seems strange to me that these things happen more often, the more time Chris spends alone with Sophie.

After a 2 years break, I resume writing on 29 October 2012

In part, the emails to Mr Schwärzler are a good documentation for this period.

In Nov. 2010 I took Chris again to the lie detector in Eisenstadt.

In Dec. 2010 the test result came: “he’s lying”. It was not a surprise for me, as I had the same feeling during the test. My instinct gave the same verdict anyway.

When we got the test result by email, he panicked and started crying, with Sophie on his lap. “Sophie, I am so sorry, daddy has to go away” etc. I told him this was too much of a stress for the child, he should stop immediately and go to bed. He told me that if he were me and got such a test result about his partner, he would immediately file for divorce. He left and came back in 20 minutes, telling me he was thinking of doing something to himself.

Afterwards he had problems with his job in Romania so he had to find another job in Vienna, starting with 23 March 2011.

In January or February I contacted Mr Schärzler by email and phone. He told me I should not leave such an important decision in the hands of a judge, and that I should get a divorce.
I told this to Chris and I also wrote him that Mr Schwärzler had informed me what organization I could contact about the death threats Chris made the day we got the test results: that he would kill me, that his parents would kill me, and that he would kill my mother. I did not want to be smart and answer him that this order would be impossible to apply.

We barely saw each other during summer. Once he did not answer the phone for two weeks, even if Sophie would have wanted to talk to him.

Then he visited us 3 times, once every 2-3 weeks. These visits had something in common: Saturdays I slept more, as I was extremely tired from the reorganizing job at BCR Leasing, and he played computer games with Sophie in the living room – so not in the bedroom. I thought he would not be so sick to do something to Sophie, now that I had told him I did not trust him and I had been advised to divorce him.

Sometimes Sunday afternoons or in the evening he left for the airport. And once Sophie wanted to insert a stick in her vagina. Playfully, but still extremely weird. When I asked why she was doing this, she answered “no reason”.

Some other time, the Monday after he had left, she maniacally scratched all over her body. Even Tanti Nuti told me this, very worried.

Some other time she tried, before the Sunday or Monday bath, to bite her own breasts.

In Nov. 2011 I was at Chris’s new apartment (Adalbert Stifter Street, where in July and August he had had his stuff deposited that he had brought from Bucharest) . He slept at Michi’s place for a few months, then for around 2 months in another apartment (sector 3, Bucharest), and I told him he should stay there. He wanted to find a place that I would also like, although I told him this should not matter for his decision. Later, after a very tense weekend, he said he would kill me and my mother because he sees no other way out, that he would do it later, not now, and he would make it seem like an accident.
I was horrified and I told him he sounded very aggressive and that maybe he needed sex, which we then had, but I did not enjoy it. Later at the Children Protective Center he used this against me, saying that the threats had been just a prelude. Incredibly smart and guileful.

From my side it was an extremely primitive and instinctive reaction “tomorrow around 5am I have to fly to Bucharest to work, the child sleeps in her room, how do I get out without making a fuss in the middle of the night?”

In December 2011 I moved to Vienna, I had the furniture deposited at My Space warehouse because I wanted a different apartment. The idea of moving in with him panicked me. In the first half of January 2012, my things were brought in from the My Space warehouse. Afterwards, I started to sleep here up to 6 nights a week. When my therapist asked me where I was getting better sleep, I answered “no doubt, at my own place”.

In Jan. or Feb. I had two sessions at the Children Center with Mr Schwärzler and his colleague. They recommended couple therapy (to reach an amicable agreement) and also individual counseling, to be able to talk freely about what’s bothering us. I started it and it was very useful. Chris did not go to any individual counseling, and in the couple therapy sessions he said this had been recommended only to me, he would not need it, Mr Schwärzler was just being polite when he said we should both take it, as he did not want me to feel offended.”  Later, Mr Schwärzl wrote me that this was not true and that he had recommended to C. as well to attend individual therapy sessions.

At the second therapy session at the Children Protective Center, we also talked about the fact that C. relapsed once more at the very first opportunity and despite the fact that I had told him he couldn’t be alone with Sophie, he had left Michi and instead of calling me, as I was on Maria Hilf (I had been out with Petra), he took Sophie alone to his place. I called him, very angry, and went straight to his place. In front of Mr Schwärzler he denied this, saying he had just misunderstood where we wanted to meet and he thought I would get home before him. After the meeting, he had tears in his eyes in the car and he said he had lied, he only wanted to “forcibly obtain trust”, he knew I was on Maria Hilf. He said he would do anything to gain back my trust  and that he considered that if I saw Sophie alone with him and nothing happened, then I would start trusting him again. Nonsense. He knows my trust is gone.

At our last couple therapy session, I told him I was expecting him to apologize to me and to Sophie, he had tears in his eyes again. When I made the mistake to comment “I have written confirmation from Mr Schwärzler that you too should attend individual therapy”, the tears miraculously vanished and he went back to the deny-it-all stance.

At couple therapist, he once said I was not allowed to BM [Baia Mare, city in Romania] with my child and my mother, to which I replied that in this case Sophie should not go to Dietach either and he said that was alright with him. Then I said that if his parents called and asked me what the reasons for this were, I would tell them everything, my whole side of the story. He then said he would go to my employer and tell him everything about the “shady deals” I was doing in the firm. I was surprised to see how far he could go and considering I have nothing to hide, I said “great, you can do this, I don’t mind, and I will inform your parents at once”. Mr Lackinger said this was “finally an important progress”, but Chris backed down. This was around 17 July 2012,  we had the next appointment on the 19th. They were so closely scheduled because we were approaching the holiday season.

After the 17 July session he asked me to give him back the key to his apartment and made a huge scene at my workplace telling me to “come pick up your junk”. Disgusting. It was summer, the windows were open, you could hear from the office the people on the street. I don’t need this from my colleagues. I emailed him that this was the last time I would not be pressing charges for his threats. In front of the building where Mr Lackinger is located, he threatened me that if I told anything to his parents “he would make sure I wouldn’t do any more damage to anyone in the future”. Two days later at our meeting, he claimed it was all about defamatory threatening, in which case it would be my powerless word against his. Bullshit. He made a gesture on the street, as if he would strangle me, putting both hands close to my neck. I stopped him and asked “Are you threatening me again? I am pressing charges, I have had enough.” Then he regained control over himself. Also, this happened on Otto Bauer street, in full daylight.

On 25 October 2012 I filed for divorce. In a first phase, without naming the real reasons. In case I am challenged, I will tell everything.

Meanwhile I’ve been handling this subject so much, it does not even frighten me anymore. It would be extremely unpleasant for Sophie, that is why I want to try and sort things out amicably at first. If this can’t be done, then we can fight for custody. As Mrs Trausmuth, who is assisting children in similar situations, said, under no circumstances can I give him 50% custody. It would be impossible for Sophie, her reaction was so spontaneous, so convincing, thank God.

I’ve also been told to write down the following: 2 weeks ago, on a Saturday, we were at Chris’s place. He came out of the shower and Sophie, in the playroom, spread his buttocks and put her nose between them. He immediately came to tell me, so that I would not find this out from her. I had not seen the scene, even if the door was open. Then I told him this was really obvious, he couldn’t pretend everything was ok and Sophie was completely normal, because she was not. He said that it may be true, perhaps due to the fact that Sophie was spending so much time with Minerva (the maternal grandmother). Perfidious again. He wants to show his parents that Minerva is the evil one and he’s nothing but an innocent lamb. I’m surprised he can’t realize that he doesn’t have the best trump cards for this.

I’ve been postponing the discussion with his parents for almost 2 years. First I did not want to ruin their Christmas, then their winter holidays, then their Easter, then Hannes’ birthday, then Roswitha’s , etc. I postponed it again this weekend. I’ll try again on 3 November. It’s difficult, because their reaction might be to call Chris and then the fighting will start again. But I still have to do it soon.

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